why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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