Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
