If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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