Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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