did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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