Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
