I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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