so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
