you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
