So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
