I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
