here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
