This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
