You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
