birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
