i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
