I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
