I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
