We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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