She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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