Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
