I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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