You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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