He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
