so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
