Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
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