I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
