i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Come see our sink grown plant.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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