Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
