whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
