I can tuck mytits in my pants
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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