I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize