Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's just like the Real World with babies
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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