Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
