Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
