lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
