I will die if light touches me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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