Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
