Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
