Just cropdusted the office
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
