Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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