I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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