Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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