It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
