Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
