Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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