I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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