clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
