I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
