I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
