She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
