Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
