don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
