tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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