I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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