I cannot find my penis.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
