here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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