so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
