Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
