if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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